LCTaurus's Xanga

How's THIS for Saturn in Virgo and..

Fri, 22 May 2009 18:43:39 GMT

...transiting planets in ARIES (my 6th house)?

My little dog and I are taking 'Obedience Training' (aka "Rehabilitation for Aggression") lessons. I say BOTH of us, because while he is learning how to sit, stay, and obey commands, I am having to restructure my day-to-day life to accomodate for the new rules. Believe me when I say that this is probably 10 times harder on me than it is on him.

The new rules:

My dog has to be on leash ALL THE TIME. Even indoors!!! (except when he's in his crate). He isn't allowed to free-roam. He is only allowed to be in three places when indoors: on leash, on his cushion, in his crate.
He isn't allowed on furniture except when invited.
He isn't allowed to mark trees on our walks (marking = dominance)
He isn't allowed to pee or poop wherever he wants. I designate the spot.
He has to SIT when I stop during the walk. eg, traffic lights, etc.
He isn't allowed to interact with other dogs and people while in training (safety reasons) <-- this one is really hard, everyone wants to pet him.
He isn't allowed to sleep in my bed at night. He has to sleep in his crate. <-- He now loves his crate but as for me - I am still experiencing separation anxiety!
He stays in his crate whenever I leave the house.
He gets corrected for every command that he doesn't obey.

But you know what?

I no longer worry about him going through the trash or chewing cushions (I have lost about 10) when I am out. No worries about him eating something he shouldn't. And I can redecorate my couch!
I no longer worry about him jumping up and down high furniture and spraining his paw (which HAS happened = $$$ vet bill )
I no longer worry about him being anxious or clingy, following me from room to room. He now stays in his place and relaxes. I can now (sort of comfortably) clean the apartment, move furniture around, step out, do anything I want.
I no longer worry about him pulling on the leash and lunging at dogs and people on the street. He knows how to walk nicely next to me.

I paid a very high price for the damage caused by my little troublemaker. But I love him like crazy and I know this is good for him and good for me, as difficult as it may be to stay strong, consistent, be calm and assertive....

Compliments

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:31:28 GMT

I used to be the sort of person who couldn't take a compliment without launching into some sort of ramble on what worked or didn't worked or what could have been better. In other words, rather than smile and say "Thank you", I always felt the need to justify or explain why I didn't deserve the compliment. I put it down to my insecurity or low self-esteem.

I am much better now. I think I have trained myself well enough to be on automatic-pilot, to smile and say "thank you" when I receive a compliment... even when I don't fully agree with it. And the simple "thank you" really helps me put things in perspective. And I feel that there is a different brighter vibe in myself, and in the conversation and ultimately in the relationship. When receiving a gift, say thank you. Why dump it on the ground and change the subject?

It continues to surprise me when I meet people who are older than me who cannot or will not accept compliments. People who would sooner try to change your mind than to simply accept that the spirit in which the compliment is given. Are these people insecure or what?

I remember complimenting my BF years ago... this was before we became a couple.

My compliment on his cooking was met with: "It was too dry, I had it in the oven for too long...blah blah blah". And I would be all "No No! It was wonderful". And anyway, maybe the turkey really was overdone (it tasted good to ME!) and maybe he was right - he could have done a better job, but the point of the compliment was really to say: I think you're cute and I like your cooking and I hope you will consider inviting me over for dinner again...

Needless to say, my BF's self-deprecating response made me think him as either a culinary perfectionist or having low self-esteem. And I had a feeling that it would take a lot more work (and time) to get a second dinner invitation... Yes and Yes and Yes. :)

This weekend an acquaintance asked me about a project that I was working on. He wanted to see it and instead of showing it to him I rambled on about unsatisfied I was with it... how it could have been better... that I had no objectivity like the audience because I was too emotionally-close to it, blah blah blah. And I caught myself saying all this shit and realized that I was acting intolerably insecure... and ...

So OK, I have learned to accept compliments with a simple Thank You but I still suck at self-promotion. When someone puts me on the spot and says "Show me your stuff" or "Tell me about yourself", I freeze or flounder. I want to change the subject. Gee I wish I knew how to get over this one.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 18:12:32 GMT

There are usually 3 reasons for my insomnia:
1. I had coffee after 5pm
2. I am on deadline and can't stop thinking about stuff I have to do
3. I am really upset and angry and I can't make my brain shut up

Before I took the benadryl last night, I had these heated thoughts spin around endlessly in my head so let me write them down. Lay the shit to rest.

SHOCKINGLY IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE

Two people have made me really angry this week. Not the sort of anger where you fight it out. It's the case of someone saying something to you which shocks you to hear, and leaves you in shock for a while (like being stabbed) before you realize that what was said was pretty F-ed up and by then the shock and hurt turns to anger and you wish with all your might that you had a good "comeback" for the comment. You wish you had responded differently to the person but now it's too late. It took too friggin' long for you to process those emotions. The person probably doesn't even know that what they said was hurtful. Or maybe they intended to hurt you and that's even more F-ed up that you sat back and "took it". And now you are stuck with raw anger and your brain is working overtime trying to make up for not having reacted appropriately. Your brain won't let you sleep until you come up with a solution to overcome this anger.

(welcome to Mars in Aquarius)

PERSON #1 - lives somewhere in my neighborhood. I don't know when I am going to run into her. How can I cut someone off if I never know when I am going to see her? Once my dog snarled at her dog and ever since then, whenever we run into each other, this woman calls my dog BAD DOG at the top of her voice so that everyone around can hear and she repeats this over and over before dragging her own (snarling) dog away. Whenever she does this, I focus on keeping my dog calm and seated so I never have time to respond to her... I am in shock that someone will openly abuse someone else's pet/child like this and think it's OK. And I kick myself everytime that I let this happen. It makes me SO ANGRY. Yeah, angry enough that I can't stop thinking about it.

PERSON #2 - I read her blog. Encountering the real person that she is behind the wise and cheery, generous-hearted resilient know-it-all facade that she presents on her blog, was a shock to the system. I asked this person for help and tried to verify that her services covered what I needed help with and to my shock, this woman not only refused to help, she claimed that I am doing something morally wrong by asking for help. What's F-ed up was not the "sorry I can't help you" part, but that in a passive-aggressive way, she passed a moral judgement on me for even asking. When I asked her to explain what she meant, she refused to reply. Refused to communicate. Now I don't know if she was even aware that her email responses were highly unprofessional and emotionally-irresponsible/insensitive... or that she was invalidating an issue that I was totally serious about. Probably not. The more I think about it, the more angry I get. This blogger sometimes claims to be "misunderstood" - now I see why. Her interpersonal communication skills leave little to be desired and I should know better than to entrust my personal issues with someone like this. I am SO ANGRY I let her say what she said to me and get away with it.

ISO: An Astrologer to do a Synastry reading for me

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 23:58:53 GMT

Recommendations, anyone? I am not sure where to start. I haven't been reading many astrology blogs due to my hectic schedule so I am not familiar with the different working styles of astrologers. The chart reading would be for myself and a family member.

Venus Retrograde in my 6th house

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 08:18:24 GMT

I just read my daily horoscope that this is a good time to workout, focus on health etc.

To say that I am feeling stressed with too much on my plate right now is an understatement. I have a neverending list of tasks that need to be done; with new projects coming in everyday... also new software to learn (that I have to teach others at the end of the month!); and then I am trying to fit the gym in and also find a trainer for my dog. <-- 6th house = pets!

I am not doing very well with the time management thing. I don't even have time to clean the bathroom.

Today I accomplished a lot creatively (workwise) but I didn't make it to the gym. I bet that tomorrow I will go to the gym and not accomplish much creatively. And damn there's that laundry too...

I am also trying out a new pair of running shoes and have been noticing changes in my posture and feeling more muscular strength in new places (like my ankles) and unfortunately, also more aches and pains in other places (like my back).

And did I mention that I am teaching myself new software? I am halfway through the manual, doing exercises, making sure I understand every little detail. I quite enjoy this even if it's sometimes frustrating - like learning a new language.

Actually I feel that all these busy busy challenges are good. My natal Venus and Merc are in the 6th house ... I feel like this is all meant to be and good for me even though I stress and stress. I wish that my work chair had a massage function...

Moving on.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 09:04:50 GMT

Via Horoscopes by Holiday (which I subscribe to daily), comes a little piece of wisdom which is SO WONDERFULLY PERFECT for me right now. Here's my Ascendant:

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). However you say something, people will translate your meaning in their own terms.
You are only responsible for half of the communication. Do your best with your half and move on without a worry as to what the other person thinks.

Getting back up

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 16:51:11 GMT

What a way to start the day.

To all the people in Elsa's class...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:37:42 GMT

I added all the names in my subscriptions list onto my Protected List, and then today I realized that xanga had deactivated my list! Apparently, the free version of Xanga only allows 10 people on the Protected List, and I had too many names. I wasn't aware of this rule and I am sorry if you find yourself shut out of my blog when you could read it before. This is because my "Trial Premium" session had expired... Please know that I haven't intentionally blocked you out.

How different is your blogging persona from your actual personality?

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:11:49 GMT

I don't tell lies when I am blogging but I also don't share the whole truth. It is not possible to share how I really look, walk, talk, think, feel ... via a blog even if I wanted to. My blog post captures a moment in time, even if this fact is difficult to convey. When you publish or read something on a public page (be it in a book or on a screen), it feels timeless and absolute doesn't it? It becomes like a communication to the world. It becomes everybody's property and is open to interpretation. And because of this, I am very conscious of what I put out there. I limit what I put out there.

What blogging allows me to do is reflect on how I am presenting myself before I actually present myself. If I sound dumb, or confusing or really screwed-up or if my photos look like crap, hey I can change these things before I post something publicly. If I want backup, I can link to another website. If I want extra images to illustrate what I am saying, I can google for these. Some people may think of their blog as a sort of authentic-expression-this-is-the-real-me diary. I don't think of blogs this way at all. There is no Draft/Edit mode in real life. And not everyone is a good writer.

There is also one thing that I have learned to become very conscious of when I am blogging and that is to STAY POSITIVE as best as I can. Even if I feel like "the sky has fallen down" in real life, I try not to write like the "sky has fallen down".

So to answer the question, YES. My blogging personality is different from my actual personality. Very much so.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Have you ever rejected a Xanga friend request? If so, why?

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 06:51:02 GMT

YES. Most of my posts are kept Protected for two reasons:
(1) I started this xanga blog to be part of an astrology class and my "Friends" are limited to people in the class.
(2) Sometimes I wish to vent or write freely and I don't want my personal life issues to be read by people whom I don't know. No offence intended. I just don't see how this stuff is relevant to anybody else...

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!